The first time baby Ian’s cries broke my heart was when I accidently nicked him while cutting his nails. He wailed non stop going all red and tears starts to stream down his face, and I felt awfully guilty I cried there and then too. Hubby was the one needing to comfort the small baby, and also me. After that I spent 1 or 2 hours away from him, just in case he remembers me for hurting him. And afterwards when I went to play with him and he smiled, I went all warm inside, but still wrecked with guilt.

 The 2^nd time, when I cuddled him, the pacifier cover got stuck in between my elbow and his head, and he bawled too. And then only I realized something was stuck there because of the angle of my elbow, I cant feel the cover of the pacifier. Took me sometime to console him; and yes, the incident scared me too.

The 3^rd time happened for no reason on a Sunday afternoon, while hubby was out cutting his hair. (To note, his hairdo is really awesome, and he looked very handsome , but lets go back to baby Ian for now shall we?). I was cuddling him, because he refused to be put down, and don’t want to sleep, and suddenly out of the blue he just cried and screamed really loud. I don’t know what to do and I keep comforting him but he continued to cry at the top of his lungs, until tears start streaming down his face and he is really red. And he looked so agitated, as if he is in pain, but I cant find anywhere where I could have hurt him. I nearly panic and call hubby home, but after spending sometime with Ian, he calmed down, and I cuddled him even harder because I don’t know what triggers him off, but I definitely would not want to see him ever like that anymore, if I can help it. Sigh…

 On Sunday, he starts to drink milk in a slower way, playing with the last 1ounce as if he doesn’t want it, and seems to have lower energy level. I did not suspect anything yet at that moment, and towards night he gets more difficult and doesn’t want to sleep. Hubby and I knew he wasn’t feeling well, but we checked for fever and he seems alrite.

 Fast forward to yesterday (Monday), after work we went to get him, and baby sitter told us he hasn’t pooped (that makes it 2 days), had difficulties urinating and refuses to drink milk most of the time. He looked drowsy too. so we took him to the doctor, suspecting that my breast feeding coupled with my rash meds messed up his system. I nearly want to cry seeing how stoned baby Ian looked like yesterday.

The pediatrician confirmed our suspicion on the meds which I was taking and gave baby Ian enema so that he can poop, and I had stopped my meds completely, now pump and dump now to clear my system off the steroids. I am really pissed and upset by the fact that the GP in Pan Medic assured me the meds are safe although I kept asking her on whether it would affect my baby as I am breastfeeding. Now I had to feed baby Ian formula, since yesterday, and today too. Will only resume giving him breast milk by tonight, and hopefully its all cleared of drugs. Sigh..  

 Thank god when we reached home yesterday, baby Ian pooped twice, and towards the later stages of the night, he regained his old self back and starts to be chatty again. I couldn’t thank god enough, but then he refused to be put down on the bed and wants to be cuddled all the time. So hubby and I took turns, and at one point, as usual I wanted to let him sleep on my chest, but he spits up some milk, so I turned him over and lets him sleep on my chest with his face facing upwards.

Halfway through, I was jerked away by the fact that baby Ian had rolled off me onto the bed, and I got a shock and quickly turned his body to face upwards, feeling extremely guilty at the same time. I am never going to let him sleep on my chest facing upwards from then onwards, because it’s too dangerous if I fall asleep. If he sleeps with his tummy on my chest, he won’t roll off even though if I fall asleep. But sleeping by facing upwards poses higher risk because he wasn’t balanced properly on me. The only thing crossing my mind was what if he rolled off on the other side, nearer to the edge of the bed and straight to the floor? I can’t even start to imagine.