The first time baby Ian’s cries broke my heart was when I accidently nicked him while cutting his nails. He wailed non stop going all red and tears starts to stream down his face, and I felt awfully guilty I cried there and then too. Hubby was the one needing to comfort the small baby, and also me. After that I spent 1 or 2 hours away from him, just in case he remembers me for hurting him. And afterwards when I went to play with him and he smiled, I went all warm inside, but still wrecked with guilt.

 The 2^nd time, when I cuddled him, the pacifier cover got stuck in between my elbow and his head, and he bawled too. And then only I realized something was stuck there because of the angle of my elbow, I cant feel the cover of the pacifier. Took me sometime to console him; and yes, the incident scared me too.

The 3^rd time happened for no reason on a Sunday afternoon, while hubby was out cutting his hair. (To note, his hairdo is really awesome, and he looked very handsome , but lets go back to baby Ian for now shall we?). I was cuddling him, because he refused to be put down, and don’t want to sleep, and suddenly out of the blue he just cried and screamed really loud. I don’t know what to do and I keep comforting him but he continued to cry at the top of his lungs, until tears start streaming down his face and he is really red. And he looked so agitated, as if he is in pain, but I cant find anywhere where I could have hurt him. I nearly panic and call hubby home, but after spending sometime with Ian, he calmed down, and I cuddled him even harder because I don’t know what triggers him off, but I definitely would not want to see him ever like that anymore, if I can help it. Sigh…

 On Sunday, he starts to drink milk in a slower way, playing with the last 1ounce as if he doesn’t want it, and seems to have lower energy level. I did not suspect anything yet at that moment, and towards night he gets more difficult and doesn’t want to sleep. Hubby and I knew he wasn’t feeling well, but we checked for fever and he seems alrite.

 Fast forward to yesterday (Monday), after work we went to get him, and baby sitter told us he hasn’t pooped (that makes it 2 days), had difficulties urinating and refuses to drink milk most of the time. He looked drowsy too. so we took him to the doctor, suspecting that my breast feeding coupled with my rash meds messed up his system. I nearly want to cry seeing how stoned baby Ian looked like yesterday.

The pediatrician confirmed our suspicion on the meds which I was taking and gave baby Ian enema so that he can poop, and I had stopped my meds completely, now pump and dump now to clear my system off the steroids. I am really pissed and upset by the fact that the GP in Pan Medic assured me the meds are safe although I kept asking her on whether it would affect my baby as I am breastfeeding. Now I had to feed baby Ian formula, since yesterday, and today too. Will only resume giving him breast milk by tonight, and hopefully its all cleared of drugs. Sigh..  

 Thank god when we reached home yesterday, baby Ian pooped twice, and towards the later stages of the night, he regained his old self back and starts to be chatty again. I couldn’t thank god enough, but then he refused to be put down on the bed and wants to be cuddled all the time. So hubby and I took turns, and at one point, as usual I wanted to let him sleep on my chest, but he spits up some milk, so I turned him over and lets him sleep on my chest with his face facing upwards.

Halfway through, I was jerked away by the fact that baby Ian had rolled off me onto the bed, and I got a shock and quickly turned his body to face upwards, feeling extremely guilty at the same time. I am never going to let him sleep on my chest facing upwards from then onwards, because it’s too dangerous if I fall asleep. If he sleeps with his tummy on my chest, he won’t roll off even though if I fall asleep. But sleeping by facing upwards poses higher risk because he wasn’t balanced properly on me. The only thing crossing my mind was what if he rolled off on the other side, nearer to the edge of the bed and straight to the floor? I can’t even start to imagine.

Breastfeeding is a high commitment activity. A lot of time and energy and commitment had to be put into it. The waking up to pump (especially if your baby does not want to do direct feeding, like baby Ian) can be so tiresome at times I feel like throwing in the towel and calling it quits.  By the time I am done with the cleaning and sterilizing and expressing, 1 hour had just ticked away. 1hr of precious sleep.

But when I think of how beneficial it is for baby Ian, I kept going, pushing myself to go for another day, another week. I set a goal of minimum 2months breast feeding, and by now I had only managed to accomplished 5weeks of it; another 3 to go. Mothers at my office are very gung ho at breast feeding (well, the ones I met and associate myself with. It helps to surround myself with positive thinking mommies eager to give their babies the best in life), managing to keep going for 10months, 1year and 1.5years.

 As of now, baby Ian’s total intake of milk per day has more breast milk in it than formula. Normally I feed him 2 times of EBM, and 1 time of formula and repeat the cycle. He takes about 3.5oz each time and it lasts about 2.5hrs to 3hrs. I have no idea how to increase my milk production, although I follow certain advice of eating more soya ben milk, and eating green vegetables. But my harvest don’t yield much. Sometimes I still get depressed whenever my supply went to 2oz per pump and I cant figure out the reasons for

 Hubby gave me full rein in deciding whether I want to continue or not, seeing how tired I am, but I decided that I do not want to give up yet; specially after knowing that my breast milk tastes better than formula milk. Enfalac has a kind of smell (well, what do you expect, milk smell la!) while breast milk (freshly pumped) has no smell and is higher in fat content, suitable for babies’ growth. The downside of breast feeding is mothers had to be careful with what they eat, and it’s better to eat more healthy food so your baby can get all the nutrients. I had failed to do that, as I only eat regular meals. ><ll

I woke up at 5am today. Well, really woke up. Not taking into account the 3am feeding, which thankfully hubby took over, and sleeping at nearly 1am. Thank god I had a nearly 2hrs nap in between 10pm and 12midnite. Well, anyways, after pumping at 5am+, I felt awfully hungry, so my mind was thinking on what to cook for breakfast. I got tired of the same old milo & biscuits or milk & cereal combo. Opened up the freezer, and took out the ham, but realized there isn’t enough time to thaw it; too lazy to pop it into the oven either. Checked the fridge and saw some eggs, and tomatoes. So I decided there an then to cook tomatoes omelets, but I Christian-ed them as Italian Omelets, my own concoction.

Since there are no potatoes, I cooked 4 eggs instead of 2. At first I wanted to cook 3 eggs, but I thought, what the heck just finish off the eggs in the fridge. ;p ended up with such big portion for 2 people. I sliced the tomatoes, seasoned it with white pepper (I think black pepper would taste much better, but I don’t have those at home), a dash of salt, dried parsley, Italian herbs and olive oil. Fried them in the non stick pan for a while, until they start to cook, then pour the beaten eggs over it. I mixed a dash of salt and some milk into the beaten eggs too.

The end results, something that smells of Italian due to the herbs, hence the name Italian Omelets. I would have put more ingredients inside, but due to time constraint and laziness, and lack of ingredients, I decided that was it. Heated up some canned red beans, and wallop! I had myself a healthy breakfast. Beats eating in the café.

Hubby did not comment much over it, he just wolfed down the whole thing because he was in a hurry. The only thing he asked is how many eggs I cooked. I had to ask him how it tastes. -_-

Eee, don’t get me wrong, am not fishing for compliments; just trying to determine whether the food suits his taste bud. And normally if he praises whatever I cooked, I will be more gung ho to cook the next time. Since he did not say much, and only said it’s nice when I prompted him, I guess, maybe next time.

 Anyways, lately baby Ian’s face is getting rounder and rounder. And hubby is worried he’s going to end up with a big head with skinny hands and legs. -_- I think that’s not going to happen. Hmmn… and he wakes up like 5am to play around, being so chatty, and poops right after! It has been 2 days in a row. Probably unconsciously he wants to play with us before we send him off to the babysitter. I noticed each time when we sent him there, and brings him home, the first hour maybe he will looked around with a frown on his face, as if trying to recognize the surrounding. Eventually I think when he grows older he might kick up a fuss whenever we send him off. I felt reluctant to come to work in the morning whenever he is being chatty, because its such a joy seeing the smile on his face, and watching him doing his baby talk. my little guy is growing and I’m so in love with him!

 The only downside of baby Ian is he is a very timid baby; poor little fella. Sometimes he wakes up from nightmare and cries inconsolably. And we tried to get him to open his eyes and looked around and to know he is safe, but he just shuts them tightly and gripped his fingers and cried. After hugging him and stopping his cries by comforting him, he will still refuse to open his eyes and just heaved his tiny chest in fear. It breaks my heart to see him like that.

 Because he is so timid, whenever we bring him out, normally he will be sleeping most of the time. At times he looked around, but the ultimate test came when we reached home. Then he will start to kick up a fuss, refusing to be put down and wants to be carried the whole day/night. Usually we (hubby and I) usually we will let him sleep in our arms, and only put him to bed once he is in deep sleep. Sometimes the minute his body touches the bed, he wakes up again and starts to cry. So we had to repeat the whole process. Hubby used to say, managing to put him down on the bed is a great accomplishment. Haha!

 Baby Ian is a joy to be with, whenever he isn’t being difficult. But babies being babies, of course they will have their difficult moments. I accidently nicked his finger when I cut his nails 2 days ago, and he bawled at the top of his lungs, face going all red and tears streaming down his face. I felt so bad and started to cry too. pity him. Sigh… I think the next time I am going to cut his nails when he is asleep. Sigh.

On the upside, hubby has been very wonder in taking care of baby Ian. He wakes up for most night feedings (he complains I snore like a tractor lately, and sometimes immune to Ian’s cries ;p) while I wake up for my milk pumping session. And he helps me to wash the cloth diaper, and baby’s clothes at times. He said he can emphatize with the washing, taking care of baby Ian, night feedings and putting him to sleep as he had done all that. The only thing he cant imagine is waking up to pump and maybe bathing Ian. But I felt he had already done so much, and I am ever so grateful because I know there are some husbands who are not so hands-on with their babies. But the ones I knew, all had wonderful husbands who takes care of them and baby and also the household chores and everything else. I always feel that a woman must marry the right kind of guy to have a happy contented life. walk away from a relationship and don’t jump into a marriage if you ever feel like the guy is not a suitable one to settle down with. I always feel we should never settle for second best in life, especially in matters such as this.

It is a wonder that once you become a mother, your priorities changed. The things you fret over changes as well. Once upon a time ago, conversations revolves around what is the latest movie, what books to read, when to go shopping, hanging out at night at starbucks, and many more. Nowadays conversations are peppered with questions such as “do you breastfeed your baby, do you have enough milk supply, what are the ways to increase milk, how often your baby wakes up at night, and so on”.

I am slowly adapting and adjusting to being a mother, but everyday poses a new challenge. There are always tiny bits of baby Ian’s habits to learn as we both grow together. For sure, he is one timid baby. easily startled over the littlest sounds. Even the sound of me gulping down water startled him once. Poor kid…

Back in the confinement days, I used to be depressed whenever I was hit by the wave of dry spell. Whenever my milk was running low, I feel very sad because I cant give baby Ian what’s best for him. Liquid gold is what I called my breast milk. There are occasions when I felt withdrawn and broke down whenever the feelings overwhelmed me. Blame it on post natal depression. But hubby was always there to comfort me. He said that I had already tried my best, so if the milk production is still low, its not wrong to top up with formula. Initially I could not accept what he said, but as time goes by I learnt to let go and the stress level dropped. On my good days, I can yield more output, and that actually makes me happy for no reason at all. As for now, baby Ian has >50% intake of EBM. But I’m afraid as time goes by and he grows bigger, needing more milk, the input of EBM and formula will be equal. All I can do now is to try to produce more milk by eating healthy food. Therefore, everyday I have a date with the toy that helps me to feed baby Ian. About 6-8 times a day, including waking up in the wee hours of the morning with each session lasting 30-40mins. Below is the picture of my toy.

 On another note, I’m complaining to hubby daily about not having any clothes to wear. My butt is wider now and so is my thigh, and my tummy is a freaking 34inches. Sob sob… so I can’t fit into all my jeans, pants and shorts and baby tees. Won’t want to shop for new clothes but looks like I have no choice after all. My slimming down effort is slowed by the fact I do not wear a girdle, because according to those mommies, the girdle helps to get back in shape faster. Hubby says to wear dresses to work at the moment, but I don’t really like to go to office in dresses or skirts. When I was pregnant I had no choice, but if given the power to choose, jeans and pants beats down any dresses or skirts hands down.

 Last Friday, Yong Yee and Sing Yee came over to help me take some shots of baby Ian, and it came out beautifully done. I attached 2 pictures here, those that YY passed to me. Am looking forward to the ones from Sing Yee later on. hubby lost weight taking care of baby, but I had yet to lose the extra 5-6kg because I pigged out most of the time. ;p

my beautiful moment with my boys

the love of our (both hubby and i) life

we are a happy family :D

p/s: bj, here’s the family potrait for ur sis lil.

2009 was a good year, more so because of the new little bubba. I spent ¾ of the whole year carrying Ian inside me, and it’s a tumultuous yet fun journey I dare say. He is such a joy when he finally says hi to this world, and to his mommy and daddy. he has regained the position as the little king of the house, and we all have been relegated to become his humble servants, attending to his every needs.

Like very newborn, he is impatient, and likes to be cuddled a lot. Sometimes he goes to sleep after feeding, and sometimes he likes to carried and sleeps in your arms. He got used to the bottle after my hospital stays, and does not want to suck directly from me during feeding. so I need to pump for him very often now. One day I told him, “mommy gave you nenen, u don’t want. U preferred the pacifier eh?” and he smiles back at me after I said those words. -_-

 A friend told hubby, if baby cries and don’t want to stop, get him to sleep on his tummy. That’s what we did with Ian one day when he bawls at the top of his lungs. Guess what happened? After we put him on his tummy, he keeps quiet for awhile. Then he starts to frown, and both hubby and I thought we finally can get him to quiet down with this trick. Little did we know, he pulls his legs into a crawling position, pulls his hands into his chest as if he wants to crawls, and tries to lift his head up going all red in the face!!! Coming from a baby who is not a month old yet, my mum was marveled and both hubby and I were so shocked we decided to not let him sleep on his tummy anymore. For fear he will injure his neck muscles when he strains that hard!! My mum said this is the first time she has seen a baby does this.

Oh ya, the nurse from Jabatan Kesihatan though that hubby is a big sized fella because Ian is so tall for his age, but I said no to her assumptions. And some aunty who came said that Ian looked like he is 2months old instead of just 20+days. And he has already outgrown his new born sized pyjamas and weighs 4.3kg at 20days. He’s got long, thin pianist fingers and that definitely got me green because I have short thin fingers. -_- that gene definitely came from my mum I guess. Everyone speculates he’s going to be a tall fella, so let’s just wait and see. no matter how he turns out to be, he’s going to be my baby boy and I love him very much.

I went to take a look at Ian just now before pumping, cos I heard his noises (he makes this funny baby gurgling noises at times when he’s not bawling) and mum said she just fed him my EBM. So I guess there goes my chance to coax him into direct feeding. Because it was the perfect timing as I was having let-down reflexes, good for him to suck. Oh well, I’ll just pump out I guess. He prefers the bottle nowadays cos he’s an impatient guy. And he kind of got used to it while I was in the hospital previously. Sob sob…

Anyways I sat and watched him for awhile, and he looked awfully cute when he sleeps. He wriggles a lot (that explains it cause he was just like that when he was in my tummy), smiles a lot and then just goes back to sleep. Ah… at that moment, he looks like an angel. But when he starts bawling, I always teased him by calling him Suzuki or Yamaha (referring to the noise motorcycles made when you turn the accelerator). I believe Ian is going to be a little charmer next time, but also very naughty.

And last week, he had a bunch of visitors, coming with baby items, pressies and Ang Pows for him. Lucky guy cos mommy and daddy did not get any gifts. hahaa… and everyone remarked on how alike he is with me, well, except the sexy lips he has. That he definitely inherited it from his dad, along with his M shape hairline. he’s got my hair texture too, all soft but thick like his dad’s. haha! Like what Pei Lynn said, he’s got all the good genes. Except maybe the eyes. It’s like mine, so it’s small. Typical Chinese “sepet”. Hehehee… would be nicer if he’s got his dad’s instead. But oh well, he is perfect as he is. in my eyes anyways. All babies are perfect and cute in their parents’ eyes, likewise the proverb beauty is in the eye of the beholder.